the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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