I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
