dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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