I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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