i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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