Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
