I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
