i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm always down for nudity.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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