I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
