Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
