This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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