She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
