I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
