Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
