its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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