first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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