remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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