I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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