don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
