i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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