Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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