so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
