When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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