I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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