yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
