I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
