She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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