I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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