if you like me you must not know who I am
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
