whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
