Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
