I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
