tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
