last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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