You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
