just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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