i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
