as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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