when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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