The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
