I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
