i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
