i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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