hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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