Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
