Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
