great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
