The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
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I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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