Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
