do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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