Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
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It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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