I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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