wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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